Disability – That's Just Life

The Impact of Makeup on Disability Perception

“You look perfectly healthy”

“You are too young”

“You need to do x work out”

“You need to do x diet”

“Have you done ____?”

It’s always “you” this “you” that. Have “you” taken x supplement, or have “you” seen x doctor. I know people mean well and I am okay with getting unsolicited advice. I always take the advice who knows maybe one of those tips will come in handy one day. Maybe that migraine that one time did just need some water to go away. Maybe if I see x doctor, maybe that doctor will find the answers to all of my questions. Maybe something in your advice is the answer to my problems. I will never turn down people being kind and just wanting to help.

What truly hurts is not being believed because “You look too young to be disabled” “You look great today, see it wasn’t that bad” “So pretty, no way you can feel that bad today”. My favorite one…”You are lazy” All true statements that have been said to me. What does being young, or pretty or having a good hair day, or wearing make up have to do with being disabled or in pain. One has nothing to do with the other but yet it does for even the medical professionals. I love playing with make up and dressing up even on my crappiest days. If I feel like crap all over, at least when I see the outside I won’t feel as bad seeing myself look crappy. Makes sense?

I recently asked in a forum online. As someone with Chronic conditions/pain when you go to a doctors appointment, do you where the lipstick or not? The responses were all over the place. It depends if it was a new doctor or not. If we don’t dress nice enough then we are slobs and its depression and not our condition, even with a diagnosis. If we try and dress up “put the lipstick on” then we are able bodied, doing better, obviously not sick enough to need to be there. If we try to match the outside to how the inside feels than they say it is impossible to feel that bad, you’d be in the hospital if your pain was this extreme.

I have heard enough times “You have some makeup on, you must be feeling great”. Excuse me, I always wear some make up. Why should I look sickly in order to receive the care I need. Why do I need to look like I have not slept in days in order to be believed. Why should I have to show up like I have been crying for the last few days because I cannot get the pain to come down no matter what I do. Look at my trembling, look at the pain in my eyes, look at my HBP and my HHR, you can see the pain in the charts. But because I was able to mask my pain for a few moments to put some make up on I am no longer believed as much. I am labeled a drug seeker, because I do not look like I am in that much pain.

I am a person who at a pain level 4 or a 7 will push myself to get up and at the very least shower, even if that takes every ounce of energy. If I cannot, my husband will jump in the shower and help me wash up. If i do not shower the darkness takes over, I cannot be sucked into my sadness and be in this much pain. After some rest I put my signature amount of makeup, which is not a lot of make up, concealer to cover how exhausted I look, mascara and fill in my eyebrows to make the eyes pop, some bronzer to fake the sun that hasn’t kissed my skin and some chapstick. If I am at a 9, I have put the lipstick on. If my outside looks great and my outside can pretend like I am not about to give up, it keeps me from giving up to all of it. Those closest to me can see the pain in my eyes with the makeup or not. I just wish the doctors would look past all of it. Sadly the medical professionals correlate the two: What you look like vs how you feel is what in our experience, they use to diagnose us.

The only time I do not care about my appearance is when I am in the Emergency Room. When I can no longer manage the symptoms I am having, I finally go in. I have to make them believe in order to get the help I need. But not seem too eager or I am labeled a drug seeker. I need them to see my truth, I am in extreme pain, the only way to do that is to show them my face without makeup. I have to take off the mask I wear to hide pain from myself and the world.

What has your experience been, Do you put the lipstick on?

Finding Balance: Mom with a Disability.

As I sit here in the parking lot of yet another high school, for another marching band event for my oldest, I am exhausted and in pain, yet I am grateful. I am still here able to be here for my daughter. For a few years, I had to choose between resting in bed in tears because I was not able to present as a mother, I was pushing through it, my body yelling at me, to slow down. The mom in me would usually win, and I would put my girl chonis on and be there for both of my kids with a smile on my face and makeup on. No one but those close to me knew how close I was to breaking. Those few could see the pain in my eyes.

I was afraid of using my wheelchair, walker, cane, or to ask for help; I did not want to embarrass my daughter. I didn’t want her friends to ask her questions, “What’s wrong with your mom?” I didn’t want the pity eyes or the “poor you” comments. I didn’t want to feel helpless. My daughter, even at such a young age, would tell me, “Mom, use your (insert mobility device); I don’t care what people say.” For her, I would put on a smile and makeup and hide the shame I felt.

Last year, I decided to finally listen to my body, even though I knew it was going to be a financial hit to our family. With my husband’s support, I quit. I quit the 8 to 5 work schedule to a job that was stressful, but I loved. I quit pushing myself for others. I started to say no to things I didn’t want to do.

I started to LISTEN to my body. If she wanted to rest, I rested; if she was thirsty, I drank; if she was hungry, I ate. Listening to my body made a world of difference. I was able to be a mom again. I was able to be present for my kids. I rarely use my walker and wheelchair now. I volunteer so much for my kids’ various activities. I even went back to work, part-time. I missed helping people in the way I did before.

Yes, I am still in pain. Yes, I am beyond exhausted, but I am so grateful to be able to be here at another marching band event for my kid. I get to be a mom again and enjoy all these precious moments with them.