As I sit here in the parking lot of yet another high school, for another marching band event for my oldest, I am exhausted and in pain, yet I am grateful. I am still here able to be here for my daughter. For a few years, I had to choose between resting in bed in tears because I was not able to present as a mother, I was pushing through it, my body yelling at me, to slow down. The mom in me would usually win, and I would put my girl chonis on and be there for both of my kids with a smile on my face and makeup on. No one but those close to me knew how close I was to breaking. Those few could see the pain in my eyes.
I was afraid of using my wheelchair, walker, cane, or to ask for help; I did not want to embarrass my daughter. I didn’t want her friends to ask her questions, “What’s wrong with your mom?” I didn’t want the pity eyes or the “poor you” comments. I didn’t want to feel helpless. My daughter, even at such a young age, would tell me, “Mom, use your (insert mobility device); I don’t care what people say.” For her, I would put on a smile and makeup and hide the shame I felt.
Last year, I decided to finally listen to my body, even though I knew it was going to be a financial hit to our family. With my husband’s support, I quit. I quit the 8 to 5 work schedule to a job that was stressful, but I loved. I quit pushing myself for others. I started to say no to things I didn’t want to do.
I started to LISTEN to my body. If she wanted to rest, I rested; if she was thirsty, I drank; if she was hungry, I ate. Listening to my body made a world of difference. I was able to be a mom again. I was able to be present for my kids. I rarely use my walker and wheelchair now. I volunteer so much for my kids’ various activities. I even went back to work, part-time. I missed helping people in the way I did before.
Yes, I am still in pain. Yes, I am beyond exhausted, but I am so grateful to be able to be here at another marching band event for my kid. I get to be a mom again and enjoy all these precious moments with them.
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